Southampton Admission Stay

Our stay in Southampton for Betsie’s high dose chemotherapy has felt long, emotional, and tiring, but we are getting through it one step at a time.

Monday was mostly a day of waiting. We arrived and then spent hours just sitting, not really knowing when things would start. We were waiting for the chemo to be prescribed, then made, and then finally brought up to the ward. Time felt very slow, and it was hard not knowing what was happening or when. By the time everything was ready and we got into our room, we were both completely worn out. Once we had our space, we unpacked a few things, got comfy, and tried to settle in. That first night was actually okay. Betsie slept fairly well, and I managed to rest too, which made a big difference after such a long day.

Tuesday was a much tougher day, both for Betsie and for me.

It was lumbar puncture day, and I was doing it on my own, which made it feel even more daunting. Normally, Betsie has some sedation before going down, which helps keep her calm, but this time they were ready for her very early, so that didn’t happen. Because of that, she was much more aware of what was going on, and she was really scared.

When it was time to go, she became very upset. She didn’t want to leave the room, didn’t want to go with the nurses, and didn’t understand why it was happening. She cried a lot, tried to pull away, and scratched me while I was holding her and trying to comfort her. It was really hard to stay calm while she was so distressed, but I just kept talking to her, holding her close, and trying to reassure her as best as I could.

Getting into the anaesthetic room took time. She was fighting it, and I could feel how scared she was. Eventually, we got in, and I stayed right next to her, still trying to calm her down. When they finally gave her the anaesthetic, she slowly went to sleep, and everything suddenly went very quiet.

Walking out of that room and going downstairs on my own felt really strange. I went to grab some snacks just to pass the time, but it didn’t feel normal at all. It’s a very empty feeling, sitting there alone while your child is in theatre. Your mind keeps going, thinking about everything, even when you try to distract yourself.

When I went back upstairs, I lay on the bed and waited for her to come back. That wait felt long. When they finally wheeled her in and placed her into my arms, I felt a wave of relief. She was still sleepy, and we just lay together quietly for a long time, cuddling. She needed that closeness, and so did I.

The rest of the day was very slow. Betsie stayed in bed the whole time, barely moving, just resting and recovering. She looked so small and so tired, and it was really hard to see her like that. I felt very emotional and found myself struggling with it more than I expected. Watching her go through all of this and not being able to take it away is one of the hardest parts.

By the evening, we were both drained. Thankfully, we had a fairly good night’s sleep, which we really needed after such a heavy day.

This morning felt like a bit of a fresh start. I woke up in a better mood, and things felt a little lighter. The nurses came in with good news and told me Betsie was clearing the chemo well and that if everything stayed on track, we would be able to go home tomorrow morning. Hearing that made such a difference and gave us something positive to focus on.

We have ended up having a really lovely day. Betsie has more energy and seemed much more like herself again today. We have spent time colouring, singing songs, and playing in the play room. It was so nice to see her smile and hear her laugh again after yesterday. Those small moments mean so much.

Betsie has been such a superstar through all of this. Even on the hardest days, she shows so much strength, and somehow she keeps me strong too.

It’s been a long few days, and we’ve really missed daddy and Nova at home. We talk about them a lot and can’t wait to be back together again. Knowing we’ll be home tomorrow, even just for a couple of weeks before our next week admission, it feels really special.

We’re slowly making our way through this block, one step at a time, getting closer to maintenance.